I miss innocence

In all of this.
If I could go back, I would.
I miss just being happy with you.
I miss the days when there were no complications.
I miss when there was no one else but you and me.
I miss endless nights spent without fighting.
I miss your embrace.
I miss being able to say we trusted each other completely.
I miss fights when we didn't try to hurt each other.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your smile.
I miss being the only thing that mattered in your life.
I miss knowing who you are.
I miss tickle fights.
I miss just lying on my bed and talking.
Just getting to know one another..
I miss sneaking calls to you late at night, and staying up talking about everything and nothing at all, until it was time to get ready for school.
I miss you singing me to sleep.
I miss going to our spot.
I miss being 1oo% happy with my life. Who made me that way?
Why, you did.
I miss you being the reason I got out of bed in the mornings.
I miss knowing we were going to have our fairy tale ending.
I just miss you.
You and me.
I want it all back.
I miss it terribly..

Heartbroken

I hate how life bites you in the ass.
I hate how the Goddess' three fold law works.
I hate how what I did to him is slowly coming back to me.
I hate how much it hurts.
I wish I could go back and do it all again.
I'd have been such a better girlfriend.
I know he'll never read this.
He's not the same as he once was.
I hate who I've become.
Idk.
I just wish there were time machines.
I wish this wasn't happening to me.
I wish I knew what to do.

Love poem of the day..

It's just a bump in the road..

Though it is a ginormous bump in ours..
I've decided I'm going to write everything I'm thinking.
Because I have no one to talk to, so I'm just going to vent through this.
I am not editing anything for anyone, not even him.
Here we go..
I messed up. Big time. I can't even begin to describe how much I regret doing what I did.
Mistakes happen though.
It's the only way to truly learn something.
Because although you already know it in your heart, you don't really understand until you've already gone and done it.
And messed up..
So of course, instead of listening to my gut, my best friends, and everything else, I chose to listen to that little voice in my head telling me, "hey it's okay. he deserves it"
Yeah.
Brilliant Stephanie.
Now, I've probably permanently lost his trust.
He's angry, sad, hurt, and upset with me.
I always take for granted what I have until its too late and its gone.
I just need strength.
I need to quit being a shitty, depressed girl friend and get my damn self prioritized.
I need to prove to him once and for all that he can trust me.
Wholeheartedly.
That I will take care of him, and that I will make up for past grievances.
He is the best damn thing to ever walk into my life.
No way in hell am I going down without a fight.
No way in hell am I messing up my last chance.
Zach, if you're reading this, I'm terribly sorry for everything I've put you through in the past.
But let's move on and look forward to a beautiful future.
I wrote this mostly for myself, although it is unorganized babble.
It helped.
I'll add more later.

I love..

How when we are together, everything is perfect.
We tickle fight, laugh, and enjoy each other's company.
It's too cute, so wonderful.
I love how happy he makes me.
I feel all warm and fuzzy inside just by looking at him.
I love him to pieces <3
I can't wait till the day when it's just me and him.
heheh :]

I've realized yet again..

I'm tired of revelations coming to me too late to do any good.
Maybe its not too late.
I'm trying my hardest to make things up.
I am immature, but I've grown a lot since then.
I'm trying to keep myself while molding to your ideals.
But I need you.
To be sane. To be happy.
You ARE my everything.
You are my life. You have been for two whole years now.
I cannot lose you, no matter what.
I'd rather die a zillion times the most painful deaths, than live another day without you.
I hope you see over the next few days, exactly what my heart is trying to say.

I'm too miserable for words.
I keep trying my hardest in everything, I try to be optimistic, I try my best.
And I still end up in tears.
Idk.
Things could be worse.

Story time..

My dad told me once, what happened to him during his high school years.
My dad attended Fort Pierce Westwood High School, 1983~1987.
He played just about every position on the soccer team, and he was the school goof ball.
He once told me he beat up this guy who was picking on a small Indian kid at his bus stop and got suspended for a week.
I laughed when he told me he learned all of his ideals and morals from comic book super heroes.
He also told me of the tragedies he endured towards the end of high school.
His two best friends Rodger & Gregory were out driving one day. They got into an accident, Roger was flung through the windshield, while Gregory (who was wearing his seatbelt and therefore remained in the car during impact) didn't make it. Dad was devastated.
Then, only a couple months later, another car accident claimed the life of his girlfriend who he loved very much. She played tuba in Vero Beach High School's band.
My dad mourned and mourned. He thought life would not go on.
My brother's middle name is Gregory.
Dad went off and joined the navy after high school. He was soon honorably discharged and he came home. Roger then introduced dad to my mom, who was Roger's girlfriend's(her name was Wendy) best friend. Mom & dad hit it off.
They got married in my Grandma's backyard in Lakewood Park, considering they could not afford anything more. After all, my mom was 19 & dad was 21.
One year later I came along.
I get my middle name from Batman's sidekick Robin.. only mine is spelled Robyn.
Hahah.
Dad.
Anyways. I was intending to go somewhere with all of this, but I ended up babbling. Like usual.
~Life can be short. Too short. Enjoy what you have. Work for what you want. NEVER take anything for granted. It can be gone tomorrow morning. You may never get a chance to say goodbye. Uphold your morals, live to be who you want to. Who wants to live with regrets? Have fun. Cherish each moment you spend in laughter. People don't have to die to be gone from your life.~

Wow

Today was interesting. I got presents from random freshmen friends, which I totally adored. And Jon got me a Fur Real Friend panda bear. Which is uber cute.
I'm definitely, fer sure, nothing is going to stop me, switching out of AP English.
She is so mean, and I honestly don't even understand rhetoric to begin with.. how am I supposed to take an AP class on it?
I'm definitely staying in AP history though. I enjoy that class. History is fun for me.
Screw Ms. Amiel.
Anywho, I'm trying really hard in all my other classes.
Which I suppose is good.
Yesterday was my seventeenth birthday. I do not feel any older than I did last week.
Zachary came in and woke me up at seven in the morning yesterday. Five minutes later he brings in this humongous bear that I have yet to name. He is so soft, cuddly and big :] I love him.
Plus like a dozen roses.
He's too sweet :]
That pretty much made my day, I'm so glad I got to spend it with him.
My parentals gave me cashhhh.
w00t.
Stephanie is hitting the mall this weekend.
Anyways, I have math to finish so, I'm getting off.

Fuck it,

How could she be so stubborn?
Are you even listening, or are you so wrapped up in what you think is reality?
All I want is for you to be my friend.
Unconditionally.
I would never intentionally hurt you.
Nor hide things from you.
I have enough going on without you pulling this on me.
You need to realize that you're just taking your emotions out on me.
I haven't done anything wrong.
You make me feel so sad, when I have done nothing.
I just wish you were my old love duck.
I miss her so..

And this is how I feel about you...

What a lonely road

Well.
There are times when I feel like I'm on top of the world.
And there are days when I feel like giving up.
People can be such assholes..
Friday night was a football game against Sebastian River High. We won, 14 - 7.
Their band did really well.
Ours preformed the best we had all season, even with half of our members there.
That really ticks me off, others chose to skip and go trick or treating while the rest of us were stuck at that game. We didn't even get to wear costumes.
I mean, hello.
Band = dedication.
No dedication? Then why are you in band?
Esp the leadership that wasn't there.
What kind of leadership is that showing? Absolutely none at all.
I'm tired of people complaining so much about band also. If you have that much to complain about, then why are you still there? We don't want to hear it, or deal with it. So get lost.
So, we got Excellents at FBA.
My arrhythmia was acting up so bad after we preformed.
What that means is I have an irregular heartbeat pretty much. And I get really bad sharp pains in my chest.
Anyway, I nearly blacked out on the field. I could hardly breathe.
I spent Halloween morning with Zachary. <3
I baked a lot.
I've decided I'm moving to Miami after I graduate, to move in with Ari, Ria, and Lina.
w00t.
I'm happy with that :]
I'm majoring in Culinary & Music.
What a combo.
Well, I'm off to bed.
That's all I had to inform you guys of.
<3

To simplify ..

Every time I say it, that's when everything goes wrong. Whenever I tell someone that Zach and I are perfect, we haven't been fighting at all this month, we're happy. That day, all hell breaks loose later. We fight and fight and I end up in tears. And so does he sometimes. I jinx us, all of the time. It's so not right. So I have made an oath to myself to never in my existence utter those words again.

So I have been crying for the past two hours. I just finished. I feel drained and depressed. Maybe I did deserve it. I really don't see how. Tonight, I saw a flash of something in him that I wished I would never see. I feel scared. And I absolutely love how when he is done talking, its ok for him to fall asleep, even though I'm in the middle of spilling my heart out. It hurts.

But, how could I go on without him?
Break ups, breaks.. none of that is even an option for me. It will solve absolutely nothing. All I want is to work with him and make things better. I wonder if he really understands that it takes me longer to change my ways than it does for him. All I know is that I need this boy, like oxygen. Without him, I would be nothing. He's become apart of every part of me. He's my bestest best friend, my soul mate, my better half, my support system. He's the one who cheers me up no matter what, who calms me down. He's the one who sings me to sleep at night. I could never continue living if he wasn't there, by my side.
Yes, we will have many many many terrible fights after this one. It's life, people disagree. But we'll deal with it together. Like a team. We're meant for each other, and no one could ever convince me otherwise.

October 26th 2008

Today was uneventful.
My parents really got on my nerves.
They can be so immature.
I'm pmsing, and I really don't feel like dealing with people.
I played catch up all day.
English work galore.
Still so much to do.
I feel like blowing my brains out.
Just out of frustration.
But I don't wanna die.
Ugh, that sounds gay.
I'm going to go play piccolo.

Everything is going down hill ..

It seems that by far this is my worst year yet.
It's my junior year of High School, and I am failing for the first time.
I feel overwhelmed and stressed out because of school and the load of work I know I have to do.
I feel pressured about college.
I've lost friends.
Pushed more away.
I just feel the need to be alone most of the time.
People get on my nerves more easily than ever before.
I feel so angry all of the time.
And my health has been in poor shape recently.
I got offered a job. It was the high light of my week, I had work.
No more fruitless searching.
But my dad came in and ruined all of my hopes.
I'm not allowed to work there.
Whatever.
It seems that the only thing that is constant in my life at this point in time is my happiness with Zachary.
He is the only thing to hold me up, everyday.
He's there whenever I need him.
Even though he can't be here to hold me, just to hear his voice is soothing.
I'm so thankful..
Idk, I feel like giving up on so much recently.
Yeah, I'm in a bad mood tonight.