Hm,

I've been thinking a lot lately.
About the people in my life.
I look at their importance and impact on my life.
I realize, there are many many people I could do without.
Yet, there are those few who I hold dear in my heart.
And it always seems like I'm losing the ones that mean something to me.
Yet, people whom I see as a nuisance, never leave me alone.
I dunno.
Am I a good friend?
I try very hard to be.
Idk.

Okay, to vent.

Pretty much I am pissed beyond belief.
I feel under appreciated. Tossed aside as if I didn't matter, that all of my efforts and little attempts to make/keep him happy don't matter.
I've been trying harder than ever.
And apparently I am still a terrible girlfriend.
I'm no where near the control freak I used to be.
I try to not control anything in his life.
I ask him to respect a few of my morals and all in order to be with me.
But we've both made sacrifices for each other.
And now that I've changed and became dependent on him, we swapped roles.
Now he's what I used to be.
Kinda controlling, independent.
Now I'm weak and dependent.
On the weakness subject..
I get yelled at for crying.
Just like my father yells at me and my mom.
Now my boyfriend does too.
Because I do it over everything apparently.
I can't help it.
It's not like I try or even want to cry.
It's just how I deal.
I cry.
And I'll semi quote Judi..
He'll sit and yell at me instead of wiping away my tears and asking what he can do to fix it.
My main goal in life is to make him happy.
His used to be to make me happy.
Idk if it still is or not..
If it is, I can't tell.
I don't want to make him feel like crap either.
But it's how he makes me feel a lot of the time.
He's my best friend and my lover and all that I need.
And I wish I could go back to when he was like that too.
And actually APPRECIATE him. And how he was.
AND

Lastly,
It is NOT okay to hold past grievences against me.
It's in the PAST.
Just because I did something to you, it does not make it right for you to get away with doing it back to me now.
That is NOT how love works.
Stop passing the blame to me.

Stop using me as an emotional punching bag.
Stop taking everything out on me.
Appreciate and respect me.
Because I'm trying so hard to do the same for you.
Love needs to be a two way street..

I think

That all the pieces are falling into place with my life.
I think I'm willing to try harder.
I will do better, I will be a better person.
I'll be the best girlfriend I can be.
Thing won't be taken for granted.
And I'll enjoy things that I was blessed with.
No matter how much bad there is in my life.

All

Better.
Everything is.
Well, except for my dad.
But I don't care.
I'm so happy.
:]
Really.
Yay me.

I miss innocence

In all of this.
If I could go back, I would.
I miss just being happy with you.
I miss the days when there were no complications.
I miss when there was no one else but you and me.
I miss endless nights spent without fighting.
I miss your embrace.
I miss being able to say we trusted each other completely.
I miss fights when we didn't try to hurt each other.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your smile.
I miss being the only thing that mattered in your life.
I miss knowing who you are.
I miss tickle fights.
I miss just lying on my bed and talking.
Just getting to know one another..
I miss sneaking calls to you late at night, and staying up talking about everything and nothing at all, until it was time to get ready for school.
I miss you singing me to sleep.
I miss going to our spot.
I miss being 1oo% happy with my life. Who made me that way?
Why, you did.
I miss you being the reason I got out of bed in the mornings.
I miss knowing we were going to have our fairy tale ending.
I just miss you.
You and me.
I want it all back.
I miss it terribly..

Heartbroken

I hate how life bites you in the ass.
I hate how the Goddess' three fold law works.
I hate how what I did to him is slowly coming back to me.
I hate how much it hurts.
I wish I could go back and do it all again.
I'd have been such a better girlfriend.
I know he'll never read this.
He's not the same as he once was.
I hate who I've become.
Idk.
I just wish there were time machines.
I wish this wasn't happening to me.
I wish I knew what to do.

Love poem of the day..