Hm,

I've been thinking a lot lately.
About the people in my life.
I look at their importance and impact on my life.
I realize, there are many many people I could do without.
Yet, there are those few who I hold dear in my heart.
And it always seems like I'm losing the ones that mean something to me.
Yet, people whom I see as a nuisance, never leave me alone.
I dunno.
Am I a good friend?
I try very hard to be.
Idk.

Okay, to vent.

Pretty much I am pissed beyond belief.
I feel under appreciated. Tossed aside as if I didn't matter, that all of my efforts and little attempts to make/keep him happy don't matter.
I've been trying harder than ever.
And apparently I am still a terrible girlfriend.
I'm no where near the control freak I used to be.
I try to not control anything in his life.
I ask him to respect a few of my morals and all in order to be with me.
But we've both made sacrifices for each other.
And now that I've changed and became dependent on him, we swapped roles.
Now he's what I used to be.
Kinda controlling, independent.
Now I'm weak and dependent.
On the weakness subject..
I get yelled at for crying.
Just like my father yells at me and my mom.
Now my boyfriend does too.
Because I do it over everything apparently.
I can't help it.
It's not like I try or even want to cry.
It's just how I deal.
I cry.
And I'll semi quote Judi..
He'll sit and yell at me instead of wiping away my tears and asking what he can do to fix it.
My main goal in life is to make him happy.
His used to be to make me happy.
Idk if it still is or not..
If it is, I can't tell.
I don't want to make him feel like crap either.
But it's how he makes me feel a lot of the time.
He's my best friend and my lover and all that I need.
And I wish I could go back to when he was like that too.
And actually APPRECIATE him. And how he was.
AND

Lastly,
It is NOT okay to hold past grievences against me.
It's in the PAST.
Just because I did something to you, it does not make it right for you to get away with doing it back to me now.
That is NOT how love works.
Stop passing the blame to me.

Stop using me as an emotional punching bag.
Stop taking everything out on me.
Appreciate and respect me.
Because I'm trying so hard to do the same for you.
Love needs to be a two way street..

I think

That all the pieces are falling into place with my life.
I think I'm willing to try harder.
I will do better, I will be a better person.
I'll be the best girlfriend I can be.
Thing won't be taken for granted.
And I'll enjoy things that I was blessed with.
No matter how much bad there is in my life.

All

Better.
Everything is.
Well, except for my dad.
But I don't care.
I'm so happy.
:]
Really.
Yay me.